人人都说远距离恋爱很难,但这种说法也未必会动摇到你的异地恋情。只要有适当的承诺和沟通,远距离恋爱甚至可能会比地理距离更近的恋情更加稳定。[1]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54. 只要简单地调整一下态度和生活习惯,你们也能打破“异地必分”的魔咒。
步骤
部分 1
部分 1 的 3:
尽量保持常态
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1
保持联系。因为不能经常见面,尽量建立并保持情感上的联系就显得更加重要。[2]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140. 哪怕发生多小的事也跟对方说,时常保持沟通能显示出你对这段关系中的时间和精力投入。[3]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140. 还能让你们了解彼此最近的生活。[4]X研究来源Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008).College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404. 如果出现较长的间隔(比如几天不联系),你们的日常生活就会显得更加不值一提,每次聊天都得从头说起。
了解对方喜欢的沟通方式。多试几种沟通方法,看看哪种最适合你们。[5]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140. 你们可以试试发短信、邮件或者视频通话,让彼此了解每天发生的所有生活小细节。
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多聊一点日常细碎。别以为每次对话都得是有深度的,一来就是聊恋情、聊希望、聊梦想。聊一些非异地的恋人会聊的小事情,比如去超市购物、家务或者装饰房子等生活琐事。[6]X研究来源Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008).College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404. 这样能让你们有一种一起建立一个家的感觉,这肯定也是你们所共同期待的。
聊一些生活中发生的无聊事也能增长你们之间连接和相互依赖,巩固感情基础。[7]X研究来源Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165.
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3
多点探望。如果经济条件允许,尽量腾出时间,多探望对方几次。你们要抓住任何可以见面的机会。[8]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.[9]X研究来源Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long‐distance relationships. Communication Research Reports,19(2), 118-129. 定期探望对方,至少也要在每次探望之后定好下次见面的时间。面对面的沟通和恋爱满足度、承诺、信任同样重要。[10]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.
如果你们想给彼此送礼物的话,了解对方的偏好也是非常重要的。对于远距离恋爱,交换礼物也是一种表达彼此感受的沟通方式。[11]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.
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5
记住,他/她也只是普通人。距离产生美,但也可能会让你将对方的形象理想化。虽然说形象理想化能让你们的关系更加牢固,但极端理想化(觉得对方是完美的)可能会在真正见面的时候产生落差。[12]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54.
保持每天联系有助“普通化”对方,也能让你发现你的伴侣所经历的所有变化。[13]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140.
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6
即使存在着距离,也要给予对方足够的支持。如果他/她遇到什么烦心、伤心事,或者其他麻烦事,一定要陪着他/她。这样能让对方感受到你的在乎。如果你的伴侣最后只能自己去解决这些重要事情,他/她也就不需要你了。[14]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54. 相互依赖是指为了对方或者这段关系,愿意放弃做自己感兴趣的事情的意愿。[15]X研究来源Finkel, E. J., & Campbell, W. K. (2001). Self-control and accommodation in close relationships: an interdependence analysis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 81(2), 263. 给予彼此足够的支持能培养出相互依赖,而相互依赖对于异地恋情来说是至关重要的。
相互依赖可以从平常的活动中体现出,比如对一些决定或者长期行为(比如抽烟)的妥协。
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7
信任。不管距离远近,信任都非常重要。[16]X研究来源Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268. 忠诚,拒绝诱惑。就算你犯错了,重要的是坦诚。向对方坦白,虽然有时候说谎可能会对你更有利。[17]X研究来源Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268. 举个例子,如果你身处一个可能存在诱惑的地方(比如酒吧),撒谎可能对你来说是一个更好的选择,但坦诚则会对你们的关系更加有利。
多用邮件和其他在线资源培养信任感。[18]X研究来源Dainton, M., & Aylor, B. (2002). Patterns of communication channel use in the maintenance of long‐distance relationships. Communication Research Reports,19(2), 118-129.[19]X研究来源Johnson, A. J., Haigh, M. M., Becker, J. A., Craig, E. A., & Wigley, S. (2008). College Students’ Use of Relational Management Strategies in Email in Long‐Distance and Geographically Close Relationships. Journal of Computer‐Mediated Communication, 13(2), 381-404.
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8
投入。保持开放和坦诚的心态,多让对方了解你的个人信息。[20]X研究来源Petronio, S. (2013). Brief status report on communication privacy management theory. Journal of Family Communication, 13(1), 6-14. 双方都应该要在精神上足够投入,因为个人价值观相同才在一起,而不要因为社交压力而勉强自己。[21]X研究来源Lydon, J., Pierce, T., & O'Regan, S. (1997). Coping with moral commitment to long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 104. 个人价值观包括如“保持忠诚是我的性格”之类的信念。社交压力则包括社会是非观。比如,“如果我背叛女友,我妈肯定会崩溃的,女友也会和我分手”。
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1
分享。找一些你们俩都可以使用和分享的平台,比如在线博客或者剪贴簿。这是一种新的交流方式,还能给你们一种“共同创造”的感觉。[22]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140. 如果你们都喜欢烹饪,可以开一个美食博客。在微博上放健身的照片,或者想一个只有你们俩知道的微博话题。
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2
同时做同一件事。这能让彼此感觉近一些,距离也更容易跨越。[23]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54. 如果你不知道可以做什么,你可以试试:
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4
让彼此有“特别感”。试着做点小事,让对方感受到你的在乎。你可以给对方寄情书。或者平常送点小礼物、卡片,还可以送花。[24]X研究来源Aylor, B. A. (2003). Maintaining long-distance relationships. Maintaining relationships through communication: Relational, contextual, and cultural variations, 127-140. 随便找个理由,送什么都行。
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6
联系。让自己觉得在对方的生活中有一席之地是一件很重要的事。认识一下对方的朋友,在线见面或者见真人都可以。[25]X研究来源Sahlstein, E. M. (2006). Making plans: Praxis strategies for negotiating uncertainty–certainty in long-distance relationships. Western Journal of Communication, 70(2), 147-165. 这能够帮助你了解更多对方的生活,聊起天来也更加轻松。
只想说正面话题,其实这也很容易理解。但你也应该让对方知道你所经历的低潮。[26]X研究来源Stafford, L., & Merolla, A. J. (2007). Idealization, reunions, and stability in long-distance dating relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,24(1), 37-54. 你们都只是普通人,偶尔难过也是可以的。